2015... you mean we're in the future?

So why am I still tying my own fucken shoelaces?

The Incredible Suit's more-or-less-annual Playlist Of The Year

Another year, another collection of corpses the binmen refuse to collect, thereby unwittingly adding themselves to the very same pile. Still, at least there have been some films out in 2014, and some of them had music, and some of that music was good. I realise that doesn't entirely justify the human carnage clogging up my wheelie bin but it's a distraction if nothing else.



Anyway here's a

A couple of statements

Here is a statement from EON Productions, published at 007.com on Saturday 13th December:

EON PRODUCTIONS, the producers of the James Bond films, learned this morning that an early version of the screenplay for the new Bond film SPECTRE is amongst the material stolen and illegally made public by hackers who infiltrated the Sony Pictures Entertainment computer system. 

Eon Productions is

The Incredible Suit's Top Ten Films Of 2014

So 2014's been all right, hasn't it? I mean, it's no 2011, but then what could be? At least it wasn't 2010; Jesus, imagine having to go through that again. Anyway here, as is mandatory for anyone given control of a film blog regardless of talent or knowledge, is a list of ten films released this year that weren't as bad as all the others. This particular list very nearly included the following,

The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Four Armies And A Handful Of BASTARDING EAGLES

Image not necessarily representative of film


Even a Star Wars Prequel Trilogy apologist like me is well aware of George Lucas' shortcomings in his handling of Episodes I, II and III, but you know what he didn't do over the course of six films? He didn't have characters facing certain doom, only for them to be rescued at the last moment by a bunch of giant birds who didn't feature anywhere

You'll be amazed what happens if you flip the SPECTRE clapperboard 180 degrees

A little bit of SPECTRElation

There's a cheeky titbit of SPECTRE news that didn't hit the front pages this morning, but it's very interesting (if you're me): Jesper Christensen, who played Mr White in Casino Royale and Quantum Of Solace, told Danish website Euroman yesterday that he'll be appearing in the 24th Bond film.


Now it always kind of bothered me that Quantum had been carefully built up over Daniel Craig's first two

New James Bond film SPECTRE makes Daniel Craig happy, chubby

I fully expected a nice quiet day today. Aware that the new James Bond film's title was due to be announced at 11am, I had planned to rise at a leisurely hour, consume a pot of Earl Grey and whip my houseboy for an hour before settling down in front of a YouTube to watch the reveal.

Instead, I was up at 6.30 and two hours later found myself sitting opposite Nicky Campbell at BBC HQ, wittering

The greatest fourteen seconds of Roger Moore's life

 



From The Persuaders!: Element Of Risk

Six films I'll be giving a shit about in December

ST. VINCENT



Cranky old drunk Bill Murray befriends a small boy in this live remake of Up, only with more swears and titty bars. I vaguely recall this film had Pierce Brosnan in the lead at one point, but from watching the trailer it looks like Murray already owns this. Maybe Broz could have played the young boy, miniaturised by CG like a Hobbit, is that possible? If so can we do that quite

Inherent Vice and my failings as a human being

It seems futile to describe my feelings about Inherent Vice. Although I'm fairly certain I watched it, I feel like I didn't see it. At least, I didn't see the film that most other people who've watched it have seen. You only need to do a brief Twitter search of the film's title to see that it's already enormously popular, and a convincing enough majority of critics are hailing it as yet another

Who's your favourite James Bond? SHUT UP AND I'LL TELL YOU

You know how it is: you're at a dinner party, having a perfectly good time, and conversation suddenly turns to the eternal, dreaded question, usually posed by the most insufferable twit in the room: "Go on then - who's YOUR favourite James Bond?" You panic. You don't know. You've never given it that much thought, because really, does it matter? But it does matter. The rest of the evening could

Salak ile Avanak Geri Dönüyor, aka Dumb And Dumber To

Apologies if, by some miracle, anyone has noticed the lack of updates at The Incredible Suit recently. I have a reasonably good excuse for this, which is that last week I was on holiday in Istanbul (not Constantinople), the magical meeting place of East and West, land of spectacular mosques with dreaming minarets, delicious cuisine at every turn and boaster of three millennia of turbulent

If you don't follow Pierce Brosnan on Facebook, this is what you're missing

Follow Pierce Brosnan on Facebook here, you mug.

Six films I'll be giving a shit about in November

INTERSTELLAR







I'll be honest, I'm looking forward to this a lot less now that I've actually seen it. A loose medley of Red Dwarf skits with all the fun removed, it aims for the stars but its narrative inelegance keeps its feet nailed to the earth. (7th)



NOVEMBER MAN




 

Now you might think that November Man looks like complete shit, but look at the evidence: Disney are opening it

Nightcrawler

Jake Gyllenhaal cuts a slim, skeletal figure in Nightcrawler as scruple-blind newshound Lou Bloom, a walking moral and ethical vacuum hunting for the most graphic crime scenes he can find and film. Harvesting images of dead, mangled victims of car crashes and shootings in order to flog the footage to Rene Russo's desperate news director, Bloom stalks the LA night fuelled by the teachings of a

Felony

I've got all the time in the world for Joel Edgerton, part of Animal Kingdom's stunning ensemble cast, co-writer of The Rover and surely about to go global as a blinged-up, eyeliner-wearing Rhamses in Ridley Scott's forthcoming Exodus: Gods And Kings. That's why I sought out Felony, despite it being a straight-to-DVD shelf-botherer in the UK over a year after it premiered at the Toronto Film

LFF 2014: The rest of the fest

Apparently the 2014 London Film Festival ended on Sunday, but we're still truckin' here at The Incredible Suit. Actually we're not, my eyes have melted and my bottom is moulded to the exact shape of seat O16 in the Odeon Leicester Square.

So in order to put my festival coverage out of your misery, I've rounded up the final five films in one convenient, easily-ignorable post so you don't have

LFF 2014:Foxcatcher

There's still no sign of the long-awaited Big Daddy vs Giant Haystacks film powerslamming into cinemas any time soon, so in the meantime wrestling fans are going to have to make do with Foxcatcher, a true story even more alarming than that of a 26-stone man called Shirley who wore a leotard for a living. In this tale, Channing Tatum and Mark Ruffalo play Mark and Dave Schultz, two

LFF 2014:Fury

"Don't get too close to anyone," Brad Pitt's Sergeant Don "Wardaddy" Collier warns wet new recruit Norman (Logan Lerman), as the latter begins his tour of duty at the arse end of the 20th century's most extreme exercise in population control. Given that Norman's about to spend the rest of his war wedged inside a sweaty metal box no bigger than a VW Beetle with four other men for whom soap and

LFF 2014:Whiplash

What does it take to be the best of the best? Innate genius? Passion? Endless hours of practice? Sacrifice? Being pushed by a mentor who believes in you? According to Whiplash, the answer is all of the above, but the most important thing is to be viciously abused by that mentor until you're driven to the very limits of your mental and physical capabilities. Few people are prepared to put up

LFF 2014:The Salvation

Danish writer/director Kristian Levring is familiar with all the iconography of the western but none of the nuance, as he displays in this cackhandedly abysmal collection of hollow clichés and atrocious dialogue. Mads Mikkelsen plays a Dane in 1871 America who's out for revenge on those who murdered his family, and that's it. Potential plot threads go nowhere, the ropey CGI threatens to fall

LFF 2014:Mr. Turner

I'll be honest: as far as the visual arts go, I kind of hit a brick wall after cinema. Painting really isn't my forte; I'd be hard pressed to tell a Monet from a Manet and only recently expressed an interest in visiting the National Gallery because I wanted to see the bench where James Bond and Q sat and stared at a picture of "a bloody big ship" in Skyfall. So it was with some trepidation

LFF 2014:White God

12 Years A Slave meets Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes by way of Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey in this barking Hungarian canine uprising film that puts the "der" into Border Collie. When teenager Lili's loveless Pop abandons her lovely pup Hagen in the street, it's the beginning of an odyssey for both pooch and pal. Like a cute, furry Solomon Northup, Hagen finds himself sold from owner

LFF 2014:The Imitation Game

Mathematician and cryptanalyst Alan Turing's single greatest achievement (although there were plenty of others) was cracking the German Enigma decoding machine. Did you get the name of that decoding machine? The ENIGMA. It's important you get that. Because guess what? Not only was Turing trying to crack the Enigma... HE WAS AN ENIGMA. I know, right?! But don't worry if you haven't worked out

LFF 2014:Ne Me Quitte Pas

Bob and Marcel are two Belgian alcoholics stumbling aimlessly through life, losing their families, their dignity and their balance - but never each other - in this none-more-vérité documentary. Bleak but tragically comedic, it's a tough watch because for all the pair's blustery talk about one day committing joint suicide, you can literally see them killing themselves on screen over the course

LFF 2014:The Duke Of Burgundy

If there's one thing I've learned to expect from a Peter Strickland film, it's the unexpected. I was surprised in Katalin Varga by a farmer in a neck brace and very small pants; in Berberian Sound Studio I did not predict that the film would melt to reveal a documentary on the English countryside, and before watching The Duke Of Burgundy I was unprepared for an end crawl which mentions every

LFF 2014:Jamie Marks Is Dead

The netherworld between death and the afterlife becomes a metaphor for confused adolescence, as if that's a new and exciting idea, in this frustratingly obtuse YA adaptation. Cameron Monaghan plays a charisma-free teen we're meant to invest in, Morgan Saylor (even more irritatingly brattish than she is as Homeland's Dana) is his hot-and-cold-blowing apparent love interest, and Noah Silver the

LFF 2014:10,000 KM (aka Long Distance)

Director Carlos Marques-Marcet's first feature is the sharply observed story of two Barcelona-based lovers divided by the titular ten megametres when Alex (Natalia Tena) lands a year-long work placement in LA. She and Sergi (David Verdaguer) conduct their long-distance relationship online, and everything goes as smoothly as you'd expect, i.e. not very.

An elegantly structured two-hander,

LFF 2014:My Old Lady

Kevin Kline plays a failed writer, recovering alcoholic and triple divorcé who thinks he's inherited the answer to all his money problems when his father leaves him a sprawling Paris apartment in his will. Due to an archaic French property law, however, he actually inherits a 2,400 Euro monthly debt and a plainspoken nonagenarian (Maggie Smith), and the apartment's closets are heaving with

Eight films I'll be giving a shit about in October

In the kind of move that would be described as "ill-advised" if only someone had actually advised me to do it in the first place, I've decided to give birth to a new monthly feature. Whether I can keep it up for longer than, ooh, a month, remains to be seen, but here it is anyway: all the films released in the first third of the last quarter of 2014 for which I've got a throbbing lob-on.

LFF 2014:Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films

If there's an overriding impression with which I came away from Electric Boogaloo: The Wild, Untold Story of Cannon Films, it's that I haven't seen enough Cannon films. If there's a secondary impression with which I came away, it's that I should probably count myself lucky I haven't seen many Cannon films. Quality-vaccuums like The Apple ("the Mount Everest of bad movie musicals"), Mata Hari,

LFF 2014:'71

I visited Belfast for the first time last month. Armed with a pathetically cursory understanding of the Troubles, I took a tour around the very streets in which '71 is set, and had my eyes opened so wide I thought they might fall out. I naïvely thought everyone had made friends, shaken hands and got on with their lives after the Good Friday Agreement, but while Belfast itself is an incredibly

That's Rogertainment! Rogisode 7: The Wild Geese

The death of director Andrew V McLaglen last month prompted me to make his first collaboration with Roger Moore my next foray into the wild, weird world of Rogertainment. McLaglen and Moore would become firm friends, going on to make two more films together over the next couple of years: North Sea Hijack (1979) and The Sea Wolves (1980), but 1978's The Wild Geese would be the film for which

20,000 Days On Earth

For anyone in the mood for an imaginary day in the crazy life of Nic Cage, this could have been Christmas. Imagine someone of Cage's special brand of specialness attempting to summarise his fears, his needs, his passions and his philosophy on life in the space of a hundred-minute autobiopic; cinema would never have been the same again. Alas, accurate spelling gets in the way once more, damn

Ten educational title suggestionsfor the next Bourne film

There's a new Bourne film on the cards from Paul Greengrass and Matt Damon, which is great news if you like the Bourne films I suppose. Let's be honest, it can't be any worse than The Bourne Legacy.



Obviously the most important consideration is what they're going to call it, and I don't know about you but I've always felt the Bourne films' titles to be a bit simplistic. So I've raided my

Glad to see Robert Downey Jr's finally got his mumbling problem under control

Full trailer for The Judge here.

Richard Kiel1939-2014

"                                          "

- Jaws, The Spy Who Loved Me / Moonraker

The Guest

In an ideal world, none of us would be spending this week talking about Scottish independence, royal babies or new-fangled technowatches, because all of those things are just silly. Instead we should all be talking about The Guest, a film which is equally as silly as all those things - like, REALLY silly - but is also totally, 100% aware of it. I mean, that bag of inbred cells that's

Two Days, One Night and the BBFC's spoiler-happy guidelines

*** WARNING ***

Contains spoilers for Two Days, One Night


I went to see the Dardennes brothers' tremendous Two Days, One Night with the great unwashed of the Curzon Soho last week. It's riveting stuff: as a woman swallowing every last morsel of pride in order to beg her colleagues for her job back, Marion Cotillard makes you work as hard as she does for results.

As a foreign language

36 tweets I drafted for this morning's London Film Festival launch that I didn't get to use because the films aren't showing

Over the last week or so I've gone through my annual ritual of scouring film festival roundups from the past few months in order to predict what might be on at this year's London Film Festival. Based on this information, plus a few wild guesses about stuff that's released later this year and so hey why not, I drafted 51 tweets which I intended to deploy during this morning's LFF Press Launch in

Richard Attenborough1923-2014

"I've travelled so far, and all I've done is come back home"

- Mahatma Gandhi, Gandhi

The Boy From Space: Terror beyond imagination

Some time in the early 1980s, when I was about eight years old, my primary school teacher would gather the class into the one room that had a TV and we'd watch the BBC's schools programming so she could have a snooze or a gin or whatever it was she did when nobody was looking. These programmes were usually about dorky kids having humdrum adventures, and were frequently interrupted every five

Sin City: A Dame To Kill For

Incredible that something which contains so much naked Eva Green could be an unpleasant experience, but there you go.

Full review here.

Lucy

For a few minutes towards the beginning of Lucy, you might start asking some questions. Like, as Scarlett Johansson's helpless heroine is drawn into a trap that will result in her unwillingly smuggling a pouch of drugs inside her guts, why does director Luc Besson keep cutting away to shots of gazelles being stalked by leopards? I mean, the parallels are obvious, but really, why? What motivates

It's Friday, here's a thing

Robin Williams1951-2014

"You're a good man. I know that. Even if you've forgotten it."

- Walter Finch, Insomnia

Guardians Of The Galaxy

I finally caught up with Guardians Of The Galaxy, the fourth and penultimate film in what I alarmingly find myself referring to as Phase Two of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, as if I'm some kind of comic book movie geek hahaha. Remember when Guardians was announced and we were all like, "a Marvel film set in space with a talking raccoon and a sentient tree, how's THAT gonna work?" as if Phase

That's Rogertainment! Rogisode 6: Shout At The Devil

Roger Moore's first war film came in 1976, courtesy of his director on Gold, Peter Hunt. There are few things that will persuade me to watch a war film short of the threat of physical violence, but the presence of Sir Rodge and the knowledge that Hunt was behind the camera convinced me to have a go on this one. And I'm glad I did, because for at least an hour it's a rip-snortingly entertaining

A review of a banana

Not this banana. That would be ridiculous.

While pimping my groundbreaking review of a bench on Twitter earlier this week and reflecting on my own pathetic obsession with James Bond, I facetiously tweeted that:

If somebody wants to draw a picture of James Bond on a banana I'll review that too.
— Neil Alcock (@IncredibleSuit) July 23, 2014

As soon as I clicked "Tweet", I wondered if anyone

A review of a bench

Not this bench. That would be ridiculous.

In the absence of a new James Bond film for the next 457 days, I've been hunting around for something else Bond-related to witter about. Fortunately, as if sensing the urgent need for intellectually stimulating blog fodder, somebody recently rocked up in London's fancy Bloomsbury Square Gardens and dumped a bench designed to look like a book which

Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes

"The night is darkest just before the dawn," said Gotham City District Attorney Harvey Dent, but clearly he never sat down to watch Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes in 3D, for this Dawn is as dark as it gets. Not necessarily thematically, but certainly visually: the colour palette sways from muddy grey to muddy brown and back again, and through 3D specs it's like watching grey jellyfish swimming

Hercules poster features cinema's least lethal archer

"FEAR ME, denizens of Hades! For I shall PIERCE your undead souls

with my DEADLY SHAFT of AIR"

An incomplete history of Michael Giacchino's awful cue title puns

I ruddy love Michael Giacchino. Not as much as I ruddy love John Williams, John Barry, Hans Zimmer, Bernard Herrmann, Danny Elfman or David Arnold, but Giacchino can sleep soundly knowing that he's probably tucked away somewhere in The Incredible Suit's top ten film score composers, like, ever. His music is by turns cock-tinglingly thrilling and heartbreakingly lovely, and I fully expect him to

Boyhood

Like a fictional version of Michael Apted's Seven Up series, Richard Linklater has been making Boyhood with the same cast for TWELVE YEARS, making Terrence Malick's trademark lethargy look like Ben Wheatley on speed. Keeping the same actors throughout filming in order to realistically tell the story of one family's voyage through a son's formative years would make Boyhood a remarkable

The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out The Window And Disappeared And Are You Even Still Reading

The ideal film for anyone who thought Forrest Gump was just too profound.

More words here.

Somebody get Netflix a thesaurus, stat!

I recently decided to make the most of my Netflix subscription by catching up on some films I really should have watched by now. Italian Neorealist classic The Bicycle Thieves has been on my watchlist for a long time, but before I started I thought I'd see what Netflix had to say about it.


Well that's good, I thought, I hate having to choose between emotional and gritty. I scanned a few other

Fuzzy photo of Bond 24 placeholder title treatment marks beginning of sixteen months of Bond 24 blog posts

Every river has a source, and one day film blog historians will be able to look back on this post as the source of a torrent of ramblings on The Incredible Suit about the as-yet-untitled 24th film in the James Bond franchise. It's not out until October 23rd 2015, but you can bet your sweet right buttock that I'll be filling the intervening year-and-a-third with all the pointless bunk I can think

That's Rogertainment!Rogisode 5: Crossplot

There comes a time in a man's life when he looks back at some of his decisions and contemplates their wisdom. Did I choose the right career path? Did I marry the right person? Should I have chosen to watch and analyse Roger Moore's entire back catalogue? While I'm reasonably certain that the answers to the first two of these is a resounding Yes, I am seriously beginning to question the third.

The Rover

Although The Rover isn't released in the UK until August 15th, those lucky Belgianians have already had it for a couple of weeks. While this state of affairs would normally be enough for me to declare war, a fortuitous turn of events led to me finding myself working in Brussels earlier this week, so I made every effort to avoid eating fucking mussels with my colleagues and instead legged it to

22 Jump Street: Maximum Broverdrive

Remember 21 Jump Street? No? What's wrong with you? Jesus, it was only two years ago. You make me sick, you and your puny memory. This is why you never remember my birthday. Anyway, it's lucky for you that remembering 21 Jump Street is not high on the list of essential requirements for enjoying the sequel, because 91% of 22 Jump Street happens exactly like last time. EXACTLY LIKE LAST TIME. And

Colin Firth IS Hugh Jai Cue inKingsman: The Secret Service

Edge Of Tomorrow

If there's one thing I hate, it's films which include that universally familiar helicopter shot of the Thames with the Houses Of Parliament and the London Eye, then stick the utterly redundant caption "LONDON" over it for the benefit of people too dumb to dress themselves. It happened in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit and immediately told me the film was aimed at total fucking idiots. So when it

Bank Holiday Wolverine

I dunno.

(via Brandon Bird)

How to tell if your movie title is shit

This is how movie titles are created today: a puppy is covered in glue and fed a bottle of bourbon, then let loose in a room full of pieces of paper with random words on. After ten minutes, the puppy is released and whichever words are stuck to it are then arranged into order by a blindfolded chicken and divided midway by a colon to form the title.

As if evidence were needed of this improbable

Three simple ways Gareth Edwardscould have improved Godzilla (a bit)

Not including this one.

*** WARNING ***

Contains massive spoilers for Godzilla.
Don't read unless you've seen it, aren't planning
to see it, or don't give a hoot about spoilers.

Gareth Edwards' Godzilla, currently stomping around in a cinema near you shouting about something or other, may have some of the best set-pieces we've seen in monster movies for yonks, but in terms of its human

X-Men: Days Of Future Past

If you could go back in time and prevent Bryan Singer from abandoning the X-Men franchise and leaving it in the grubby, suspiciously-smelling hands of Brett Ratner, would you? Think of the misery that could be avoided by simply transferring your consciousness into your younger self and having a quiet word in the younger Singer's ear. You could also suggest that he steer clear of parties where

Godzilla

This review originally appeared on the Virgin Movies website. I thought about writing another one in a slightly different style for The Incredible Suit, but time is a precious commodity. I'm not getting any younger and I still haven't climbed Mount Fuji, written a bestselling novel or made love to a supermodel in a Ferrari. I mean, I'm not going to do any of those things now, if ever, but the

That's Rogertainment! Rogisode 4: Gold

The mid-1970s were glory years for our toffee-tanned hero. In the middle of the decade in which he made his best films, he was an adonis; a bronzed idol, always immaculately dressed and in fine physical fettle. Michael Caine and Malcolm McDowell might have been making better films, but neither of them had the catalogue model looks of Roger Moore. Now you could argue that that makes Michael

When The Incredible Suit met James Bond: Episode four in a series whichredefines the word "met"

It's eighteen long months since I last reported on the progress of my ongoing mission to meet every James Bond, and in that time I've come to terms with the fact that of the three remaining targets, only one is realistic, given that he's the only one still working. And so as long as there was breath in my body and intelligent people still casting him, I knew that one day I would meet Timothy

Bob Hoskins1942-2014

"This is a diabolical liberty!"

- Harold Shand, The Long Good Friday

It's quite the week for casts of huge sci-fi sequels sitting round tables in London

Sunday, April 27 - Avengers: Age Of Ultron





Tuesday, April 29 - Star Wars: Episode VII



If the cast of Jurassic World are reading, I've just bought a very nice vintage table with fold-out leaves which could comfortably seat six, seven at a push. Bryce Dallas Howard might have to sit on a patio chair from the shed. I'm busy tonight but Thursday's looking good?

Crispin Glover's UK tour is as mad as eggs and you should definitely see it

Last Friday found me at London's deeply sensual Hackney Picturehouse for the opening night of the UK tour of Crispin Glover: actor, director, writer and artist who - whether he likes it or not - will forever be connected to the role of George McFly in Back To The Future. While that role is undeniably magnificently written and portrayed, Glover has a remarkable body of other work behind him,

In Your Eyes and on your internets:Joss Whedon's missed opportunity

Joss Whedon recently took forty precious seconds out from filming Avengers: Age Of Ultron to record an introduction to one of his smaller projects, "metaphysical romance" In Your Eyes, for the Tribeca Film Festival. At the same time that the film premiered in New York, he announced, internet boffins were opening its e-cage and releasing it into the digital wild via Vimeo, allowing any old numpty

New poster for Edge Of Tomorrow

Your handy guide to the Seven Samurai

Akira Kurosawa's quite marvellous Seven Samurai is out on Blu-ray this week courtesy of those sexually devastating BFI types, and it's one of those films that not enough people have seen even though they know they really should. I suspect what's holding many people back is the fear of not being able to follow which of the titular septet of samurai is which, what with them all being Japanese and

Blog post #2 of hundreds about The Rover

I'm generally loath to do marketing companies' work for them, but in the case of David Animal Kingdom Michôd's The Rover I'll make an exception. This is the film I'm most excited about this year (although let's be honest, X-Men: Days Of Future Past looks immense), so I'm duty-bound to ensure that every single person who reads this blog knows about it in the hope that both of you will go and see

Locke

Sadly not an entire feature film about Lost's greatest character, Locke is in fact a fantastic slice of claustrocore with Tom Hardy in a chunky-knit sweater. I wrote some words about it for The Shiznit when it was on at the London Film Festival; why not read them? Then you'll know how good it is and want to go and see it.

Abandoned idea #216

I'm sure I had a point to make when I started this, but by the time I'd finished I had no idea what it was. Sorry.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2:Electro Boogaloo

It seems important these days to preface any discussion of a given film by outlining your feelings about that film's prequels or previous incarnations (in various media), just so that people know whether you're on their wavelength or talking out of your shitpipe. So, for the record, here are my qualifications for having an opinion on The Amazing Spider-Man 2; you can decide for yourself whether

Happy 22nd birthday Empire magazine!

Astute readers of monthly movie waffle merchants Empire magazine cannot fail to have noticed that this year it celebrates 25 years of active service. Like a lady made of paper and words, Empire has been menstruating film chat every month for quarter of a century, and its menopause is, thankfully, nowhere in sight. Long may it continue to discharge the blood and mucosal tissue of its smart and

Noah

Batten down the hatches, there's a storm a-comin': a storm of absolute batshit mentalism from which even the sturdiest umbrella won't protect you. You may as well just pop your Speedos on now and prepare to drown in the boundless biblical bonkersness of Darren Aronofsky's Noah, a film which - while no more crackers than its source material - is simultaneously completely wonderful and utter

The Double

Given that The Double is about a mysterious doppelgänger (Jesse Eisenberg), physically identical to but psychologically different from the original (Jesse Eisenberg, obvs), it can't be a coincidence that Richard Ayoade's second film feels strangely familiar, yet at the same time distinctively odd. Set in a bureaucratic nightmare world as much 1984 as it is Brazil, it evokes a number of cinematic

Labor Day [sic]: suspiciously familiar

Now that Labor Day [sic] is out in cinemas and we can all enjoy Josh Brolin sticking his fingers in Kate Winslet's moist, warm peach pie, I think it may well be time to lift the lid on its source material. Jason Reitman might claim that he based his screenplay on Joyce Maynard's book of the same name, but from where did Joyce get the idea? The answer to this question, as the answer to most

The Labor Day [sic] peach pie chart

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

There's a moment in Captain America: The Winter Soldier in which Nick Fury (Samuel L Jackson) has to ask his boss, Alexander Pierce (Robert Redford) for a favour. Pierce agrees to the favour, but only if Fury arranges for Iron Man to visit Pierce's young niece on her birthday. It's a throwaway moment, designed for a chuckle and to remind us of the wider world of the Marvel Cinematic Universe,

Proof that Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is a documentary

This is a painting called 'A Concert'. It was done in around 1490 by an Italian artist called Lorenzo Costa.


Pretty sure this is the earliest recorded appearance of Wyld Stallyns (featuring one of the beautiful babes from England), and therefore proof that Bill S Preston Esq. and Ted "Theodore" Logan were in fact genuine time travellers.

Now seems as good a time as any to mention that a 25th

Under The Skin

As an image, the sight of Scarlett Johansson prowling the streets of Glasgow at the wheel of a Ford Transit isn't just incongruous, it's downright weird. But within the singular netherworld of Jonathan Glazer's filmed nightmare, it's just about the least strange thing you'll witness for its entire duration. To attempt to describe any of the freakier visual episodes Glazer has spawned for Under

Script pitch - Noah 2: The Curse Of Ham

With the new trailer for Darrenaronarrenofsky's Noah currently doing the rounds, it struck me that if ever a story was ripe for a sequel it was this one. After all, there are ruddy thousands of stories already written that follow Noah's watery tale, so adapting them should be a piece of piss.

With that in mind, I skim-read Wikipedia's summary of The Book Of Genesis and knocked up the following

That's Rogertainment! Rogisode 3: Fire, Ice And Dynamite

The Winter Olympics may be a distant, homophobic memory, but they were the catalyst for my viewing of this 1990 German film starring Sir Roger Moore as the instigator of an extreme alpine sports competition for reasons too stupid to go into (although fear not; I will). Having vigorously enjoyed watching various women's curling teams in action in Sochi, I assumed I might be in for similar

The Wes Anderson Movie Episode 8:The Grand Budapest Hotel

I've come to the conclusion that reviewing any of the individual episodes of The Wes Anderson Movie, which is now in its eighteenth year of production, is an exercise in staggering futility. If you enjoy the other parts then you'll enjoy Episode 8: The Grand Budapest Hotel, probably immensely. If you don't like the others, you probably won't like this one. And if, like me, you have no strong

Indie band biopic of the week: The Killers

Droning Vegas rockers The Killers will be happy this week: the biopic of their early days as impeccably dressed hitmen is released on Blu-ray, and bloody great it is too. The Killers stars Lee Marvin as Brandon Flowers and the improbably-named Clu Gulager as guitarist Dave Keuning, and shows the pair during their time in the early 1960s scraping a living as sharp-suited guns for hire.



Smile

Steve McQueen to release one Solomon Northup film a year for the next ten years

Arthouse director Steve McQueen yesterday announced that he intends to make one film a year for the next decade based on the adventures of Solomon Northup, the plucky hero who overcame adversity to tear slavery a new asshole in Oscar fave Twelve Years A Slave. Hot on the heels of similar announcements from Disney and Marvel regarding their intentions to release one Star Wars and Spider-Man film

Harold Ramis1944-2014

"Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and
every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light."

- Dr Egon Spengler, Ph.D., Ghostbusters

Anchorman 2 to be re-released with jokes

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA COATS


News has reached The Incredible Suit that Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues is due to receive a re-release in cinemas this weekend, this time with jokes. The film was originally released in December, but in a bold move for a comedy, writers Will Ferrell and Adam McKay chose not to put anything funny in it, instead relying on shouting and colossal

That's Rogertainment! Rogisode 2:Bed & Breakfast

In my quest to watch every Roger Moore film ever except SpiceWorld, my "research" brought me to this unheard-of curio: a 1992 romdramcom starring Colleen Dewhurst, Talia Shire and Nina "Casey Siemaszko from Back To The Future's sister" Siemaszko as three generations of a family living in a dilapidated B&B in the sleepy seaside town of Peelers Point, Maine. Siemaszko's Cassie is a

Her

Stories about people having relationships with technology are nothing new (I could tell you a few unprintable ones about teenage me and my 128K Spectrum +2); nor are stories about the blurring of lines between artificial intelligence and human emotions - look at such cultural milestones as Blade Runner, A.I. or D.A.R.Y.L. for proof. So the tale of a man in love with his computer's operating

A review of the new LEGO advert

The Incredible Suit doesn't normally review commercials, but I saw one recently that's so groundbreaking it's set to open up a whole new world of advertising potential. This particular ad is for a brand of plastic bricks called LEGO, and the genius of this marketing campaign for the popular kids' toy is that you actually pay money to watch it. And people will. And then they will pay more money

RobotiCopper

I can't deny it: remakes make me cross. Believe me, I've tried not being That Guy, but every announcement of yet another remake causes me to weep one more tear for the death of originality and creativity. It's not so bad if the film being remade was a good idea squandered by inept execution, but to remake something that's well-liked and ingrained in film culture just seems arrogant to me. Which

Happy 100th birthday you little tramp!

It's exactly one hundred years today since Charlie Chaplin's insanely successful 'Little Tramp' character made his debut on cinema screens, so to celebrate this momentous landmark date I've spared no expense, pulled out all the stops and written a short blog post about it.


The snappily-titled Kid Auto Races At Venice, California probably isn't regarded as comedy gold by many these days (

TV Corner: Fleming

With a depressing 625 days still to go before the release of the 24th James Bond film, fans of the world's greatest secret agent are seeking a fix to satisfy their filthy habit. Fortunately, that fix is about to arrive in the shape of the criminally underrated Dominic Cooper as James Bond's creator Ian Fleming, in a new four-part miniseres from Sky Atlantic called, with devilish cunning,

Look how Leon's young star has blossomed in the last twenty years

1994





2014



The 20th anniversary special edition Blu-ray steelbook of Leon is released today. This blog post definitely justifies the screener I was sent.

Philip Seymour Hoffman1967-2014

"We're all hurtling towards death, yet here we are for the moment, alive.
Each of us knowing we're going to die, each of us secretly believing we won't."

- Caden Cotard, Synecdoche, New York

Captain America 2 vs Close Encounters: Spot the difference

Me neither.

This is the film I am genuinely looking forward to more than any other in 2014

It's nearly three long years since Animal Kingdom, one of the best films of the last decade, blew my tiny mind and alerted me to the genius of writer / director David Michôd and his chums at Blue Tongue Films. Since then I've been frothing at the cock for Michôd's next film, The Rover, for which a teaser landed yesterday - exactly one year since principal photography began, if that means

That's Rogertainment! Rogisode 1:North Sea Hijack

Our first voyage into the choppy waters of Roger Moore's non-Bond career sees us sploshing about in the North Sea for a film which is variously called ffolkes (silly), Assault Force (generic) or North Sea Hijack (literal) depending on where in the world you watch it. Its German title - Sprengkommando Atlantik - emerges from Google Translate as Busting Commando Atlantic, which is both

That's Rogertainment!

Fair warning: I've had an idea. Not a particularly original idea; in fact, not even a very good idea (and there may have been gin present at its conception), but an idea nevertheless, and one which I believe deserves a warning.

Last year, for some birthday or other, I received two films from some excellent friends: 1978's The Wild Geese and 1979's North Sea Hijack. Both were gifted to me

Two films out this week that are even better than Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit

Film #1 That Is Out This Week And Is Even Better Than Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit is Inside Llewyn Davis. Here is a review which I wrote for someone else.





Film #2 That Is Out This Week And Is Even Better Than Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit is the 4K restoration of The General, which I haven't reviewed anywhere but is the greatest silent movie ever made.

Please go and see one or both of these

Talking silents with Neil Brand

One balmy evening in the summer of 2009, I wandered into a free outdoor screening of the first silent comedy I'd ever seen: Buster Keaton's The General, accompanied on the piano by Neil Brand. I was amused by the prospect because several hundred years ago when I was at university in a dark and damp corner of the midlands, Brand delivered a guest lecture about the music of silent films.

Here are three things that happen in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit that may give you some idea of what kind of film it is

1. The film's opening image is a helicopter shot of a cityscape. A river snakes through the centre of frame. On one side of the river is a large, oblong building, at one end of which is a tall Gothic tower with a clock face on each of its sides, while on the other side is a modern, upright circular structure surrounded by what looks like small pods. But with just these scant visual clues to go

The Wolf Of Wall Street

"As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a banker"

It's 10.30 on a Monday morning and I'm watching a man apparently introducing cocaine into the anus of a prostitute with a straw. I haven't quite woken up yet so while the procedure I'm witnessing is as delicate a way as any to ease me in to the following three hours of Quaalude-fuelled hedonism and bacchanalian debauchery, it's

Rhyming Oscar nominations announced

Up for Best Vest: Sandra Bullock in Gravity

Best Nest

Christian Bale's hair, American Hustle

Bradley Cooper's hair, American Hustle

Jennifer Lawrence's hair, American Hustle

Jeremy Renner's hair, American Hustle

Radagast the Brown's hair, The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug



Best Chest

Amy Adams, American Hustle

Hugh Jackman, The Wolverine

Ryan Gosling, The Place Beyond The Pines

All Is Lost: The Eight Ages Of Cap'n Bob

Batten down the hatches, there's a metaphor blowing in

Hopefully by now you've seen All Is Lost, a perfectly reasonable film starring Robert Redford as a wrinkly, sea-bound equivalent of Sandra Bullock in Gravity. If not, why not give it a whizz? It's the tenth-best film I saw at last year's London Film Festival, and only nine films in existence can honestly say they come with a higher

A few inadequate words on12 Years A Slave, the best film of 2014

"Your story is amazing, and in no good way"

- Samuel Bass (Brad Pitt)




It really pisses me off when a truly brilliant film comes out at the beginning of the year, because I like to watch my list of favourites shift and rearrange as the year goes on and I watch and rewatch more movies. 2014, however, may as well give up and go home now. If another film comes along in the next twelve

Pedant-baiting poster quote of the week

Actually I can think of one film that 's come fairly close to Blade Runner since 1981. It's called Blade Runner and it was released in June 1982.

The BAFTA nominations in pictures

Well, picture.

Full nominations, including the conspicuous absence of 2013's actual best British film, here.

The Ten Least Unbrilliant Films Of 2013

I suppose the first order of business upon The Incredible Suit's much-unheralded resurrection would be to run down my favourite films of 2013. God knows what might happen if such a list were to go unrecorded. Can you imagine? Me neither. So here they are. Merry Christmas!





WRECK-IT RALPH I had negative interest in Wreck-It Ralph when it came out, and only watched it on DVD because somebody

Been away, but now I'm back

All right, put the bunting and champagne away, it's embarrassing.

Coming soon, but not soon enough to be relevant: The Incredible Suit's Top Ten Films Of 2013!