A review of a banana

Not this banana. That would be ridiculous.

While pimping my groundbreaking review of a bench on Twitter earlier this week and reflecting on my own pathetic obsession with James Bond, I facetiously tweeted that:

If somebody wants to draw a picture of James Bond on a banana I'll review that too.
— Neil Alcock (@IncredibleSuit) July 23, 2014

As soon as I clicked "Tweet", I wondered if anyone

A review of a bench

Not this bench. That would be ridiculous.

In the absence of a new James Bond film for the next 457 days, I've been hunting around for something else Bond-related to witter about. Fortunately, as if sensing the urgent need for intellectually stimulating blog fodder, somebody recently rocked up in London's fancy Bloomsbury Square Gardens and dumped a bench designed to look like a book which

Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes

"The night is darkest just before the dawn," said Gotham City District Attorney Harvey Dent, but clearly he never sat down to watch Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes in 3D, for this Dawn is as dark as it gets. Not necessarily thematically, but certainly visually: the colour palette sways from muddy grey to muddy brown and back again, and through 3D specs it's like watching grey jellyfish swimming

Hercules poster features cinema's least lethal archer

"FEAR ME, denizens of Hades! For I shall PIERCE your undead souls

with my DEADLY SHAFT of AIR"

An incomplete history of Michael Giacchino's awful cue title puns

I ruddy love Michael Giacchino. Not as much as I ruddy love John Williams, John Barry, Hans Zimmer, Bernard Herrmann, Danny Elfman or David Arnold, but Giacchino can sleep soundly knowing that he's probably tucked away somewhere in The Incredible Suit's top ten film score composers, like, ever. His music is by turns cock-tinglingly thrilling and heartbreakingly lovely, and I fully expect him to

Boyhood

Like a fictional version of Michael Apted's Seven Up series, Richard Linklater has been making Boyhood with the same cast for TWELVE YEARS, making Terrence Malick's trademark lethargy look like Ben Wheatley on speed. Keeping the same actors throughout filming in order to realistically tell the story of one family's voyage through a son's formative years would make Boyhood a remarkable

The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out The Window And Disappeared And Are You Even Still Reading

The ideal film for anyone who thought Forrest Gump was just too profound.

More words here.